Marital Bondage Is Wrong

A husband must be willing to let his wife leave the marriage, if she chooses to do so. The civil law of the USA requires it and the Word of God condones it. Though it breaks his heart, he must allow it and not attempt to force, restrict or intimidate her.

This is particularly true if the husband is a godly man, endeavoring to follow the leadership of God in his life and fulfill his calling from the Most High. Truly, she cannot be held against her will to the satisfaction of the marriage. As some wise scholar has said, “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”. The civil law does not allow physical restraint and neither does moral conscience. A contractual commitment is insufficient to hold her, for the law allows many exceptions to the contract. If her desire is contrary to the contract, she will find a loophole. If a husband’s love and commitment is not enough to hold her, then his authority will not be sufficient either. The only other power available, to keep the wife in the marriage is her commitment to God’s command and her covenant with Him. If faithfulness to God and His design for her as a godly woman and wife in the marriage is not sufficient motivation, then there is no hope for maintaining the marriage to a godly husband. The only option is for the husband to compromise his walk with God. Her rebellion then, in effect destroys the marriage anyway, by destroying the husband as a man of God, for he cannot compromise God’s calling and leading and still remain godly. This is a repeat of what happened to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

1 Corinthians 7:10-11 “And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: but and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.” A Biblical marriage is above all, a covenant between a man and a woman that incorporates the commands, design and standards of God. After all, He created people and He created marriage, it then follows that He sets the rules for how a marriage operates. God permits a wife to leave her husband, but He only permits her to leave, not to divorce or remarry. She is to remain celibate and married, but separate. God’s desire is that she never leave her husband, but gives her some room to exercise her own will, even if it is in opposition to God’s will. A woman that is married to a godly husband has absolutely no grounds for leaving her husband. Her own stubborn will is the only permitted reason and it reveals a rebellion against God, more than against her husband. 1 Corinthians 11:3 “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” For a woman to rebel against her “godly husband” is rebellion against God’s established order and God Himself.

A woman that is married to an ungodly husband, whether he is a believer or not, is bound by the same commands as a woman married to a godly husband. She is however, justified in separation when there is fear of abuse and danger, both physical and mental, to her or her children. The requirements of being celibate and separate, but still married are in force. The only justification for her remarrying is also in 1 Corinthians 7:15 “But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.” If the unsaved (unbelieving husband) leaves her or abandons her, she is free to remarry. It is recommended that she still remain separate and celibate for a time of personal healing and the possible repentance of her husband, before moving on to another marriage. If not, the possibility of damaging future family relations is imminent.

Is a wife’s love or lack thereof sufficient proof for sustaining the marriage relationship? From a biblical perspective, I would have to say, no. Based upon two passages of scripture that are representative of the entire Bible’s position, we see the basis for the real issues regarding a wife staying or departing a marriage. One of these is Ephesians 5:22-24 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” Also, Ephesians 5:32-33 “This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” In light of this passage we see that the wife’s primary responsibility in the marriage, is as a supporter (helper, Genesis 2:18). She is instructed here to submit (willfully place one’s self under the leadership and protection of another) to her own husband and the spirit in which she is to submit is “reverence”. If a wife will not revere her husband, she is not revering God. If she will not revere God, she cannot revere her husband as a godly wife. The relationship of the wife to a godly husband is to be a rubber stamp replica of her relationship to God. The second passage is Titus 2:3-5 “The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” Contrary to popular opinion, love is taught, rather than caught. Older women are to teach the younger wives to “love their husbands and to be obedient to their own husbands”. I conclude therefore, that the love of a wife is not as important in sustaining a marriage, as is her compliance to her husband’s leadership and assuming her God designed role as a supporter in marriage. Love will accompany both the husband and wife in God’s design, but is not pre-requisite for the wife’s responsibility.

Conclusion: 1. The wife of an ungodly husband may leave her husband if she and/or her children are in danger from him. 2. The wife of an ungodly husband is permitted to leave her husband as a choice, by her desire, but such is not the will of God and will have eternal as well as temporal consequences, which will include the loss of leadership and protection. 3. The wife of an unbelieving husband that is rejected or abandoned by him is free to remarry a godly man, only. 4. The wife of a godly husband is permitted to leave her husband as a choice, by her desire, but such is not the will of God and will have eternal as well as temporal consequences, which will include the loss of leadership, protection from the husband, but possibly also from God. It is unreasonable to ask God to provide in another way, what He has already provided by a godly husband. 5. God has never recorded in scripture, instructions justifying a wife to leave or divorce a godly husband. He has however, permitted her to exercise her self-will with sure consequences. In doing so, she is under obligation to not break the marriage bond by establishing relations with another man. Such separation is to be temporary, for the purpose of repentance on either party’s part and healing of the soul.   6. For a godly husband to attempt to force his wife to remain against her will thwarts the power of the Holy Spirit to work in her heart. His task is to be consistent in his walk with God and to love his wife with all his heart, as he loves God. It is the epitome of the husband’s role to love his wife, with the love of God.

The First Wife Syndrome

As I look about me at one of the more tragic realities of modern Christianity, I feel I have found a solution that could alter that reality and it is so simple in concept that it evades our observation. The tragedy is that of failed marriages and the many, many women who wish to be happily married again or for the first time. The cause of this tragedy is the dearth of men that make good husbands. Statistics are readily available to demonstrate there exists a much higher proportion of marriageable women in our churches than there are of single marriageable men. The simple answer, amply demonstrated in the Bible, is that good men, who are already good husbands, should be husband to more than one wife, simultaneously. This is a practice we call polygamy, but in the Bible, it is simply called marriage. There is no specific designation between husbands with one or two or more wives. His relationship with each wife is that of the two becoming one flesh through physical union. The plural relationship is a man with plural wives, or we may say, one man with three marriages. The women are not married to each other; their relationship may be like that of sisters or good friends. I recognize there are many Christians that find this concept immoral or unworkable, to them I say, look at the Bible. There are many such marriages displayed and many, many more adequately implied, all without any condemnation from God and working, as well as or better than, the average monogamous marriage. Where then is the hindrance that keeps so many good women, who wish for husband and family, from being happily and properly, married? This question is the purpose of this article.



I have chosen the title, “FIRST WIFE SYNDROME” very carefully. For the purpose of this article I will assume that we will privately investigate what the Bible actually teaches in regard to plural marriage and not try to cover that information here. What I have discovered in my reading and questioning of many men and women about plural marriage is that the objections are not usually based on Biblical or moral reasons. Legalities are not even significant to keep an honest person from entering into the blessed and righteous bonds of plural marriage. The “FWS” is predicated upon the beliefs and practices of the first wife as well as the beliefs and actions of the husband as he relates to his first wife. These beliefs and practices are almost entirely emotional in nature.

IGNORANCE

The first objection that I hear from opponents of plural marriage is very basic. “It’s just not right” is the claim and when asked “according to who?” there is no foundation of righteousness for the claim. The first symptom of this syndrome is ignorance. As in most human experiences the fear of the unknown is more devastating than what is known or experienced. Ignorance then, causes more negative reaction to new ideas or practices than anything else. When I suggest the concept of plural marriage, since it is virtually unknown among us as practiced in the Bible history, most wives shrink back from such a possibility because of ignorance, not because of any reality. The dear ladies, justifiably so, begin to ask a series of questions that revolve around the thought “but what if”?

FEAR OF LOSS
The second symptom of the “FWS” is the awful sense of losing her place in life. Any woman that has agreed to marry a man as a first wife has also, in all likelihood, assumed that she would be the only wife in her husbands’ life. She has entrusted to him certain things of great value, including her trust, her future, and her affection. She has confidence in him that he will always be there for her. In most good marriages, he is the center of her world. The good wife has established her identity with her husband. When she hears or suspects that her beloved husband is considering marrying an additional wife, she fears she will lose all that she has invested in her husband. She may even feel the ground beneath her feet give way and leave her with only loss and isolation. She doesn’t want to lose her husband to another woman and lose her world at the same time. The emotional sense of impending loss is closely akin to losing a dear one to death.

FEELING UNLOVED
The third symptom is that of feeling unloved or unwanted. Closely coupled with that is the sense that she has failed to be a good wife and is being discarded for a newer model. She may fear the newer model will be younger and more attractive; that after devoting her youth and energies to her husband she is being cast aside as useless and worn out. It must seem to her that, in his eyes she lacks value and virtue, the very things she felt she was contributing to the marriage relationship. Such a wife will usually respond in one of two probable ways.

1. Desolation; hopelessness; broken spirited.

2. Rebellion; resisting any attempt of plural marriage, even to the extent of destroying her relationship with her husband.

Such feelings and responses are not abnormal, even among wonderful, God fearing and honoring wives.

INSECURITY
The fourth and last of our list of symptoms of the “FWS” is closely aligned with the other three. However, insecurity deserves to be considered as a single issue. One of the key issues in a successful marriage is the trust and security that a wife has in her husband. When any or all of the above issues have begun to emerge, she feels the safety of her whole being is undermined. She will have no safe refuge. She will begin to question his integrity, his reliability and his love. She will likely feel she has to evaluate every thing he says and wonder what he is doing when he is not in her direct presence. Her insecurity will cause her to pull away from her husband and perhaps seek the counsel and security of friends and relatives. The friends and family will most certainly not understand what is happening, therefore furthering the polarization of the family.


I would like to describe the “First Wife Syndrome” as “The accumulation of the fears of the unknown, uncertainty of love, fear of losing everything dear and the insecurity that change brings”.

Should the wife be blamed for these feelings?
I think not, should she be faulted for these feelings, again, no. These feelings are very natural and normal for the Godliest women. Her heart is designed by God to value the very things that are being threatened by the thought of plural marriage. What is the best way to deal with this syndrome and allow for the benefit of marriage to a larger group of godly women?



Enter the Husband, the key person in considering the “FWS”. He is the one that is interacting with each wife, he is the one suspected of acting out of uncontrolled lust and unfaithfulness. How the husband functions in his role of husband to his first wife will set the stage for her understanding and security. He has the ability to assuage her fears and comfort her trembling heart. Any man, who can’t or won’t love his first wife well, will not be a good candidate as husband to a second or third wife. He should never take on the responsibility of loving and caring for additional wives, if he is not already being an admirable husband to his first wife, “the wife of his youth”. The standard for this issue is the Word of God. In this case it is Malachi 2:13-16.

“And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand. Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.”

The women of Judah and their children were covering the altar of God with their tears because their husbands and fathers were treating them with disregard, casting them aside to take a new wife. God takes sides in this issue, calling the actions of the men, “treachery”. The practice of divorcing a wife for any reason, but that authorized by God, is the cause of much heartache and pain. Lives are ruined by such careless selfishness. God says that he hates it. God tells us through Malachi, that a first wife is a special blessing. He calls her “the wife of his youth” and “the wife of thy covenant”. She holds a very special place in her husband’s heart that should never be diminished by any act on the husbands’ part. They have history, they have invested years in learning each other’s ways, growing together, possibly building a family. They have invested their lives in each other. God is grieved when a man casts aside this relationship to marry another woman. It is possible for a man to cast aside his wife without divorcing her. All he has to do, to bring about the same results that grieve God, is to be insensitive to his first wife’s need and emotional state when he considers plural marriage. God is not opposed to a man marrying additional wives as long as he will and is able to maintain the relationship with his first wife. God has entrusted her to her husband’s care and protection and considers the husbands care of his wife as his greatest act of faithfulness.

MOTIVES FOR MARRIAGE
When I was first exposed to the concept of Biblical Polygyny, I followed the normal course of action as most Christians do. I attempted to disprove the idea as cultic or carnal at the least and highly immoral and lustful adultery at the worst. Asking a friend, “why would a Christian man want to marry a second wife?” I received the following, simple reply. “Why would he want a first wife?” Thank you, Don Milton for such a simple, but pointed clarity. I maintain that any man worthy of a good wife, will be motivated by the following reasons, regardless if it is a first marriage or plural.

1. The most important motive is love. He has come to love the lady and desires to be her husband.

2. The second motive is compassion. He sees her need of a husband and desires to husband her and love her. This would include the levirate marriage, the kinsman/redeemer.



Any other motive, in my opinion, is suspect and should be carefully examined for sincerity and genuineness. By God’s design, marriage is a lifetime commitment and should never be entered into lightly.

MARRIAGE PORTRAYS CHRIST AND HIS CHURCH
The husband’s love and care for his wife, whether there are one or three, is the picture that God gave us of the relationship between Christ and His church. We read Ephesians 5, “This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” The context, verses 22-33 give us the most concise description in the Bible of the marriage relationship. Other passages have complimentary information or examples of how it works, but this describes the responsibility of each party in the marriage. The husband’s responsibility (or opportunity) is to play the part of Christ in the marriage. This is an honorable role that not every man is willing to play. Each man is capable, but not qualified to take the responsibility of a family. It is difficult, because to do it right, selflessness must be employed. Genuine love must be the true motive and reward for his part. As Jesus loved the church and gave himself for it, so ought the husband make each wife the object of his affection as well as the recipient of his loyalty and protection. He will demonstrate Christ by:

1. Being a lover, by loving God first, that he may love his family well, as Jesus loved the Father first.

2. Loving unselfishly, giving preference to the wife as the object of his love, not to things; wealth, possessions or experiences, as Jesus loves people above all the rest of His creation.

3. Loving faithfully, all his life, as Jesus said, “I will never leave you or forsake you”. The husband will love interminably as Jesus does eternally. The wife should have no fear of being forsaken by her husband.

4. Loving freely, without limitation as Jesus loves and accepts all that come to Him. The husband will have the potential of loving, without limitation every wife that God brings under his care and affection.


Playing the role of Jesus in the marriage relationship enables the husband to aid the first wife in overcoming the First Wife Syndrome, which burdens her with fear and uncertainty. She will know that she is loved as much or more than ever, is not losing anything, but may be gaining a best friend and a greater security. This knowledge and assurance enables her to have a different mindset, freeing her to trust, honor, respect and support her husband, as the people of God are to respond to Christ. She will understand that, by supporting her husband in his effort to extend the love that God has placed in his heart to other godly ladies, she is expanding her own loving embrace to encompass a sister in Christ. This loving experience enriches the life and love of each lady as they each submit themselves to the loving, faithful leadership of the husband. This completes the casting of characters in the “Marriage Performance” with the wife playing the role of the church in relationship with Christ.

"TO BE OR NOT TO BE, THAT IS THE QUESTION"

Perhaps the most difficult part of dealing with the “FWS” is stepping out into unfamiliar territory to embrace this truth. Accepting the truth of God’s teaching about marriage, acknowledging this newly understood reality is probably the most difficult step a man or woman of God will ever take. This must be a step of faith in God and His Word and a step of submission to His Lordship in our lives.

Much grief may be experienced if both the husband and wife are not onboard with the truth. The husband must be patient and loving. The wife must be gentle, trusting and following her husband’s leadership. Both parties must love God with all their heart, soul, might and mind. If “George” charges forward, seeking, courting and planning for an additional wife, without consideration for “Sadie” and her probable “FWS”, he is not loving her as Christ loves the church. If “Sadie” is unwilling to follow her husbands leadership, seek God in His Word, search the scriptures, seek her husbands understanding or see and honor his loving commitment to her and God and resists revealed truth, she is not responding to God or her husband as the church responds to Christ.

OH, WHAT TO DO?
When “Sadie” is unable or unwilling to deal effectively with the “FWS”, what is “George” to do? His marriage may easily end in disaster if he does not act properly. His first effort should be self-examination, to determine if his own behavior is loving and Christ-like as well as being certain that he is moving in the will of God and not his own excitement. He should then ascertain whether “Sadie” is not clear on the truth or if she is being stubborn and self-willed against God. If he is sure of his motive and faithfulness, he will seek “Sadie’s” prayers and aid in following God’s plan, showing by precept and practice that he is endeavoring to follow Him. When “Sadie” is involved she will love and follow “George”, even to loving and embracing those her husband loves, enabling a larger, loving family.  If “Sadie” is being self-willed and selfish, then “George” must count the cost of following his heart and the Lord. He may well find himself in the same position as Peter and John, appearing before the Sanhedrin. “But Peter and John answered and said unto them, Whether it be right in the sight of God to hearken unto you more than unto God, judge ye. For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard.” Acts 4:19-20. Difficult decisions demand earnest prayer, searching the Word and the soul.

The First Wife Syndrome is real. Any woman struggling with it deserves the love and compassion of her husband. She has position and history that must be considered. On another facet of the issue, a second wife must also recognize the reality of the first wife’s history. There will always be a part of her husbands’ heart that must belong to her alone, for she is the wife of his youth and of his covenant. This need not be a source of contention as long as there is understanding and love for all the family.



“George” and “Sadie” are the names of my maternal great grandparents. Their names were borrowed without their permission for the sake of clarity in the text.

This is posted first on, http://newlookatmarriage.blogspot.com/ and is available for reproduction as long as the authorship is credited and the source is given.





John Whitten December 10, 2009

Enlightened New Look

One of the greatest discoveries that I have made in taking a New Look At Marriage is the capacity for love that God has given to men. We have all heard for a long time about the wonderful qualities of a woman's love for others, family, friends and even needy strangers. Men, however, are usually left on the sidelines as insensitive, hardened characters whose lives need to be blessed by the loving influence of some gracious, sacrificing women that comes to save them from their isolation. Most of us men have bought into that scenario, projected by our culture and the media.

God, who is LOVE, created us in HIS own image, therefore both men and women have a great capacity for love. Men, in particular are created by God with the desire to love, protect, lead and provide for women. Our religious culture has put a limitation of one love only on that divine impulse, a limitation that is not found anywhere in the Bible. Men are then frustrated in their honest and upright desire and ability to love more than one woman at a time, by the lie, that it is a sinful and immoral impulse. My discovery of this lie and the subsequent realization that my innate capacity to morally and righteously love is a gift from God, to be embraced and exercised as God leads, is the most liberating truth I have experienced since I learned to trust Christ Jesus as Savior.

WHEN A WIFE BECOMES A MOTHER

When a girl is born, she is the light of her Daddies eye. She can do no wrong that he cannot excuse or make better. She is one of the most important people in the world to him.

When a girl becomes a woman she is the finest of God’s creation. She has matured to become the best example of humanity. No longer Daddy’s little girl, but a complete person, now her Heavenly Father’s little girl with a growing dependant relationship with Him.

When a woman becomes a wife she enters into Gods purpose for her created life. She is entering into the great task for which she is perfectly designed, created and assigned. To be a helper, aide and cheerleader for the man that her Father has brought into her life is the greatest purpose and achievement that may be obtained. To elevate her husband and aide him in his God given ministry and purpose in life, is her calling from above.

When a wife becomes a mother, her husband and head gains a family or loses a wife and finds he’s married to a mother instead of a wife. If she places motherhood above marriage, she has left her first calling and purpose for a secondary purpose, noble and wonderful as it is. There can only be one first place. Mother or wife, which role is God’s calling for life?

Fair Share - MM#2

Arithmetic has caused a lot of problems for married people and I don't mean balancing the checkbook. Somehow the idea has become popular that marriage is a 50/50 arrangement. Each spouse gives half effort and they meet harmoniously in the middle. Unfortunately that doesn't work. Soon there is some sort of inadequacy and then someone starts keeping score. Resentment and bitterness are the result, showing up as anger, tears, distance and more. Eventually isolation becomes the norm and happiness decreases rather than grows.

In God's program as taught in Ephesians 5 each spouse gives 100%. The wife totally yields herself to the authority, protection and leadership of her husband. The husband totally loves his wife as Christ loved the church, without expectation of perfection (just as she is). When each spouse endeavors to give all, the expectations are not as great as the acceptance of the others gift. Consider not asking what you can get from your spouse, but what can I give him/her. There truly is greater joy in giving than receiving.

Where to get married? MM #1

"A Marriage made in Heaven", is a phrase that most people would desire to have describe their marriage. A lofty goal indeed, but one fraught with disappointment. Marriages are not made in heaven, but in the day to day experiences of life. Some feel that if only they were married in Church or a religious ceremony they would have better success in their home. Experiences of thousands of couples over my 40+ years of observation, show me that there is no correlation between where or what kind wedding ceremony and marital success. I have searched the Bible intently, for a wedding ceremony that I could use in modern times and found, -- NONE--, ZERO! What I did find is a large body of information revealing how one becomes a husband or wife, how we are to treat one another and what our responsibilities are to each other and to God.

In Gods design for marriage there is no ceremony required, no government approval required, no licence or registration required and no certificate required.

What is required is honesty, committment, kindness and obedience to Gods law of how we treat our fellow man.

Bottom line is this, a man and woman that is married, (recognizing the above requirements) on the beach or in the woods, by a Justice of the peace or a Judge or even solemn vows of commitment to each other are just as married in the sight of God and have just as great potential for success as anyone else and in some cases, greater.

Love? That's another MM#