God Is The Patriarch

God has two families, all humans by virtue of creation, and those who are children of God by faith in Christ, by virtue of being born-again through the Word of God and the Holy Spirit.  God is the ultimate patriarch.  He rules because He is the God and Father of us all.

God designed the family to be a patriarchy that reflects His patriarchal structure in His relationship with His families.  Those who are His family only by virtue of creation will benefit from following His patriarchal structure, but because of the lack of faith there is rebellion against that structure, resulting in male patriarchal abuse by way of force and female rebellion against God's authority in patriarchal structure.  Those who are in His family of faith are to function as a patriarchy in compliance with the will of God, in complete fulfillment of His purpose.  While it is difficult to operate in a godly manner while living in a secular, rebellious world, we do have the benefit of the Word of God and the Holy Spirit to equip us for the task.  In the godly family, both the husband and wife fulfill their patriarchal roles, motivated by love for God and each other, not through force, violence, or stubbornness.

Husbands are instructed by God to love their wives; to protect, provide for, lead, and guide them in daily living and in their walk with God.  They are to be the priests and prophets of their families.  None of this is because wives expect it, demand it, or deserve it, but because it is the will of God and He will reward the husband’s faithfulness.  Wives are instructed by God to be in submission to their husbands in everything, to reverence them, to encourage and succor them, to care for the home, to raise and nurture his children.  She is not to direct him or correct him, nor is she in the position to question his decisions or judgment.  As the husbands are to reflect the role and character of God in their role and behavior, wives are to reflect the role of churches and believers in general as they relate to the headship of Christ and His authority over them.  God’s plan is God the Father (Patriarch) is head over Christ, Christ is the head over the husband (Patriarch), the husband is the head over the wife (patriarch).  This pattern is found in 1 Corinthians 11:3.

God’s plan for His family of faith is for them to operate in patriarchal families motivated by love for God and each other, through the directive of His Word and the instructions contained therein.  Wives are instructed to submit to and reverence their husband, not because they deserve it or when the wives think the men are right, but only because God said so.  Husbands are to care for and love their wives, not because they are lovable or when they are nice to their men or when they want some spousal interaction, but because God said so!  To alter this plan, for whatever reason is to argue and dispute with our Creator and Redeemer.  Arguing with Him, removes Him as Lord and substitutes our will as the authority in our lives.

  

These instructions are only for the family of faith.  For God’s redeemed and born-again faithful family, there is NO exception and NO escape clause.  Changing this pattern is fighting with God and it is guaranteed that you will lose on many levels.  There is no other way, but to TRUST and OBEY!

BOAZ - The unsung hero of the Book of Ruth

The law of the childless widow.

Deuteronomy 25:5-10

If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her. And it shall be, that the firstborn which she beareth shall succeed in the name of his brother which is dead, that his name be not put out of Israel. And if the man like not to take his brother's wife, then let his brother's wife go up to the gate unto the elders, and say, My husband's brother refuseth to raise up unto his brother a name in Israel, he will not perform the duty of my husband's brother. Then the elders of his city shall call him, and speak unto him: and if he stand to it, and say, I like not to take her; then shall his brother's wife come unto him in the presence of the elders, and loose his shoe from off his foot, and spit in his face, and shall answer and say, So shall it be done unto that man that will not build up his brother's house. And his name shall be called in Israel, The house of him that hath his shoe loosed.



Boaz was wealthy and well respected.

Ruth 2:1

And Naomi had a kinsman of her husband's, a mighty man of wealth, of the family of Elimelech; and his name was Boaz.



Boaz was spiritual.

Ruth 2:4-5

And behold, Boaz came from Bethlehem, and said unto the reapers, The LORD be with you. And they answered him, The LORD bless thee. Then said Boaz unto his servant that was set over the reapers, “Whose damsel is this?”



Boaz was practical.

Ruth 2:8-9

Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not, my daughter? Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens: Let thine eyes be on the field that they do reap, and go thou after them: have I not charged the young men that they shall not touch thee? and when thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn.



Boaz had good values and respected the same in others.

Ruth 2:11-12

And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust.





Boaz was generous.

Ruth 2:15-16

And when she was risen up to glean, Boaz commanded his young men, saying, Let her glean even among the sheaves, and reproach her not: and let fall also some of the handfuls of purpose for her, and leave them, that she may glean them, and rebuke her not.



Boaz was a man of higher than normal moral standards.

Ruth 3:7-12

And when Boaz had eaten and drunk, and his heart was merry, he went to lie down at the end of the heap of corn: and she came softly, and uncovered his feet, and laid her down. And it came to pass at midnight, that the man was afraid, and turned himself: and, behold, a woman lay at his feet. And he said, Who art thou? And she answered, I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman. And he said, Blessed be thou of the LORD, my daughter: for thou hast shewed more kindness in the latter end than at the beginning, inasmuch as thou followedst not young men, whether poor or rich. And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman. And now it is true that I am thy near kinsman: howbeit there is a kinsman nearer than I.



Boaz knew how to take care of business.

Ruth 4:1-2

Then went Boaz up to the gate, and sat him down there: and, behold, the kinsman of whom Boaz spake came by; unto whom he said, Ho, such a one! Turn aside, sit down here. And he turned aside, and sat down. And he took ten men of the elders of the city, and said, Sit ye down here. And they sat down.



Boaz was used by God in the lineage of Jesus.

Ruth 4:13

So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife: and when he went in unto her, the LORD gave her conception, and she bare a son.

Ruth 4:17

And the women her neighbours gave it a name, saying, There is a son born to Naomi; and they called his name Obed: he is the father of Jesse, the father of David.



Boaz was likely already married at least once.

Ruth 2:1

And Naomi had a kinsman of her husband's, a mighty man of wealth, of the family of Elimelech; and his name was Boaz.

{A man of his wealth and power was not a young man. He would have been extremely odd indeed, had he attained his position without being married to at least one wife. Polygyny was an accepted and approved practice among the people of God, even in that day.}





Boaz was more likely nearer Naomi’s age than Ruth’s age.

Like Naomi, Boaz called Ruth “daughter” 4 times. He spoke to her in a clear paternal manner until, under Naomi’s instruction; Ruth pressed the issue of the Law of the childless widow. Boaz called her righteous in the matter.



No mention of romantic love is found in the Book of Ruth.

Honor, faithfulness, respect and character permeate the book, but not one mention of romantic love is found. Where these traits exist, love will grow and abound. Where they do not exist, initial love will wither and die, leaving a bitter remorse.

Marital Bondage Is Wrong

A husband must be willing to let his wife leave the marriage, if she chooses to do so. The civil law of the USA requires it and the Word of God condones it. Though it breaks his heart, he must allow it and not attempt to force, restrict or intimidate her.

This is particularly true if the husband is a godly man, endeavoring to follow the leadership of God in his life and fulfill his calling from the Most High. Truly, she cannot be held against her will to the satisfaction of the marriage. As some wise scholar has said, “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”. The civil law does not allow physical restraint and neither does moral conscience. A contractual commitment is insufficient to hold her, for the law allows many exceptions to the contract. If her desire is contrary to the contract, she will find a loophole. If a husband’s love and commitment is not enough to hold her, then his authority will not be sufficient either. The only other power available, to keep the wife in the marriage is her commitment to God’s command and her covenant with Him. If faithfulness to God and His design for her as a godly woman and wife in the marriage is not sufficient motivation, then there is no hope for maintaining the marriage to a godly husband. The only option is for the husband to compromise his walk with God. Her rebellion then, in effect destroys the marriage anyway, by destroying the husband as a man of God, for he cannot compromise God’s calling and leading and still remain godly. This is a repeat of what happened to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

1 Corinthians 7:10-11 “And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: but and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.” A Biblical marriage is above all, a covenant between a man and a woman that incorporates the commands, design and standards of God. After all, He created people and He created marriage, it then follows that He sets the rules for how a marriage operates. God permits a wife to leave her husband, but He only permits her to leave, not to divorce or remarry. She is to remain celibate and married, but separate. God’s desire is that she never leave her husband, but gives her some room to exercise her own will, even if it is in opposition to God’s will. A woman that is married to a godly husband has absolutely no grounds for leaving her husband. Her own stubborn will is the only permitted reason and it reveals a rebellion against God, more than against her husband. 1 Corinthians 11:3 “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” For a woman to rebel against her “godly husband” is rebellion against God’s established order and God Himself.

A woman that is married to an ungodly husband, whether he is a believer or not, is bound by the same commands as a woman married to a godly husband. She is however, justified in separation when there is fear of abuse and danger, both physical and mental, to her or her children. The requirements of being celibate and separate, but still married are in force. The only justification for her remarrying is also in 1 Corinthians 7:15 “But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.” If the unsaved (unbelieving husband) leaves her or abandons her, she is free to remarry. It is recommended that she still remain separate and celibate for a time of personal healing and the possible repentance of her husband, before moving on to another marriage. If not, the possibility of damaging future family relations is imminent.

Is a wife’s love or lack thereof sufficient proof for sustaining the marriage relationship? From a biblical perspective, I would have to say, no. Based upon two passages of scripture that are representative of the entire Bible’s position, we see the basis for the real issues regarding a wife staying or departing a marriage. One of these is Ephesians 5:22-24 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” Also, Ephesians 5:32-33 “This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” In light of this passage we see that the wife’s primary responsibility in the marriage, is as a supporter (helper, Genesis 2:18). She is instructed here to submit (willfully place one’s self under the leadership and protection of another) to her own husband and the spirit in which she is to submit is “reverence”. If a wife will not revere her husband, she is not revering God. If she will not revere God, she cannot revere her husband as a godly wife. The relationship of the wife to a godly husband is to be a rubber stamp replica of her relationship to God. The second passage is Titus 2:3-5 “The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” Contrary to popular opinion, love is taught, rather than caught. Older women are to teach the younger wives to “love their husbands and to be obedient to their own husbands”. I conclude therefore, that the love of a wife is not as important in sustaining a marriage, as is her compliance to her husband’s leadership and assuming her God designed role as a supporter in marriage. Love will accompany both the husband and wife in God’s design, but is not pre-requisite for the wife’s responsibility.

Conclusion: 1. The wife of an ungodly husband may leave her husband if she and/or her children are in danger from him. 2. The wife of an ungodly husband is permitted to leave her husband as a choice, by her desire, but such is not the will of God and will have eternal as well as temporal consequences, which will include the loss of leadership and protection. 3. The wife of an unbelieving husband that is rejected or abandoned by him is free to remarry a godly man, only. 4. The wife of a godly husband is permitted to leave her husband as a choice, by her desire, but such is not the will of God and will have eternal as well as temporal consequences, which will include the loss of leadership, protection from the husband, but possibly also from God. It is unreasonable to ask God to provide in another way, what He has already provided by a godly husband. 5. God has never recorded in scripture, instructions justifying a wife to leave or divorce a godly husband. He has however, permitted her to exercise her self-will with sure consequences. In doing so, she is under obligation to not break the marriage bond by establishing relations with another man. Such separation is to be temporary, for the purpose of repentance on either party’s part and healing of the soul.   6. For a godly husband to attempt to force his wife to remain against her will thwarts the power of the Holy Spirit to work in her heart. His task is to be consistent in his walk with God and to love his wife with all his heart, as he loves God. It is the epitome of the husband’s role to love his wife, with the love of God.

The First Wife Syndrome

As I look about me at one of the more tragic realities of modern Christianity, I feel I have found a solution that could alter that reality and it is so simple in concept that it evades our observation. The tragedy is that of failed marriages and the many, many women who wish to be happily married again or for the first time. The cause of this tragedy is the dearth of men that make good husbands. Statistics are readily available to demonstrate there exists a much higher proportion of marriageable women in our churches than there are of single marriageable men. The simple answer, amply demonstrated in the Bible, is that good men, who are already good husbands, should be husband to more than one wife, simultaneously. This is a practice we call polygamy, but in the Bible, it is simply called marriage. There is no specific designation between husbands with one or two or more wives. His relationship with each wife is that of the two becoming one flesh through physical union. The plural relationship is a man with plural wives, or we may say, one man with three marriages. The women are not married to each other; their relationship may be like that of sisters or good friends. I recognize there are many Christians that find this concept immoral or unworkable, to them I say, look at the Bible. There are many such marriages displayed and many, many more adequately implied, all without any condemnation from God and working, as well as or better than, the average monogamous marriage. Where then is the hindrance that keeps so many good women, who wish for husband and family, from being happily and properly, married? This question is the purpose of this article.



I have chosen the title, “FIRST WIFE SYNDROME” very carefully. For the purpose of this article I will assume that we will privately investigate what the Bible actually teaches in regard to plural marriage and not try to cover that information here. What I have discovered in my reading and questioning of many men and women about plural marriage is that the objections are not usually based on Biblical or moral reasons. Legalities are not even significant to keep an honest person from entering into the blessed and righteous bonds of plural marriage. The “FWS” is predicated upon the beliefs and practices of the first wife as well as the beliefs and actions of the husband as he relates to his first wife. These beliefs and practices are almost entirely emotional in nature.

IGNORANCE

The first objection that I hear from opponents of plural marriage is very basic. “It’s just not right” is the claim and when asked “according to who?” there is no foundation of righteousness for the claim. The first symptom of this syndrome is ignorance. As in most human experiences the fear of the unknown is more devastating than what is known or experienced. Ignorance then, causes more negative reaction to new ideas or practices than anything else. When I suggest the concept of plural marriage, since it is virtually unknown among us as practiced in the Bible history, most wives shrink back from such a possibility because of ignorance, not because of any reality. The dear ladies, justifiably so, begin to ask a series of questions that revolve around the thought “but what if”?

FEAR OF LOSS
The second symptom of the “FWS” is the awful sense of losing her place in life. Any woman that has agreed to marry a man as a first wife has also, in all likelihood, assumed that she would be the only wife in her husbands’ life. She has entrusted to him certain things of great value, including her trust, her future, and her affection. She has confidence in him that he will always be there for her. In most good marriages, he is the center of her world. The good wife has established her identity with her husband. When she hears or suspects that her beloved husband is considering marrying an additional wife, she fears she will lose all that she has invested in her husband. She may even feel the ground beneath her feet give way and leave her with only loss and isolation. She doesn’t want to lose her husband to another woman and lose her world at the same time. The emotional sense of impending loss is closely akin to losing a dear one to death.

FEELING UNLOVED
The third symptom is that of feeling unloved or unwanted. Closely coupled with that is the sense that she has failed to be a good wife and is being discarded for a newer model. She may fear the newer model will be younger and more attractive; that after devoting her youth and energies to her husband she is being cast aside as useless and worn out. It must seem to her that, in his eyes she lacks value and virtue, the very things she felt she was contributing to the marriage relationship. Such a wife will usually respond in one of two probable ways.

1. Desolation; hopelessness; broken spirited.

2. Rebellion; resisting any attempt of plural marriage, even to the extent of destroying her relationship with her husband.

Such feelings and responses are not abnormal, even among wonderful, God fearing and honoring wives.

INSECURITY
The fourth and last of our list of symptoms of the “FWS” is closely aligned with the other three. However, insecurity deserves to be considered as a single issue. One of the key issues in a successful marriage is the trust and security that a wife has in her husband. When any or all of the above issues have begun to emerge, she feels the safety of her whole being is undermined. She will have no safe refuge. She will begin to question his integrity, his reliability and his love. She will likely feel she has to evaluate every thing he says and wonder what he is doing when he is not in her direct presence. Her insecurity will cause her to pull away from her husband and perhaps seek the counsel and security of friends and relatives. The friends and family will most certainly not understand what is happening, therefore furthering the polarization of the family.


I would like to describe the “First Wife Syndrome” as “The accumulation of the fears of the unknown, uncertainty of love, fear of losing everything dear and the insecurity that change brings”.

Should the wife be blamed for these feelings?
I think not, should she be faulted for these feelings, again, no. These feelings are very natural and normal for the Godliest women. Her heart is designed by God to value the very things that are being threatened by the thought of plural marriage. What is the best way to deal with this syndrome and allow for the benefit of marriage to a larger group of godly women?



Enter the Husband, the key person in considering the “FWS”. He is the one that is interacting with each wife, he is the one suspected of acting out of uncontrolled lust and unfaithfulness. How the husband functions in his role of husband to his first wife will set the stage for her understanding and security. He has the ability to assuage her fears and comfort her trembling heart. Any man, who can’t or won’t love his first wife well, will not be a good candidate as husband to a second or third wife. He should never take on the responsibility of loving and caring for additional wives, if he is not already being an admirable husband to his first wife, “the wife of his youth”. The standard for this issue is the Word of God. In this case it is Malachi 2:13-16.

“And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand. Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.”

The women of Judah and their children were covering the altar of God with their tears because their husbands and fathers were treating them with disregard, casting them aside to take a new wife. God takes sides in this issue, calling the actions of the men, “treachery”. The practice of divorcing a wife for any reason, but that authorized by God, is the cause of much heartache and pain. Lives are ruined by such careless selfishness. God says that he hates it. God tells us through Malachi, that a first wife is a special blessing. He calls her “the wife of his youth” and “the wife of thy covenant”. She holds a very special place in her husband’s heart that should never be diminished by any act on the husbands’ part. They have history, they have invested years in learning each other’s ways, growing together, possibly building a family. They have invested their lives in each other. God is grieved when a man casts aside this relationship to marry another woman. It is possible for a man to cast aside his wife without divorcing her. All he has to do, to bring about the same results that grieve God, is to be insensitive to his first wife’s need and emotional state when he considers plural marriage. God is not opposed to a man marrying additional wives as long as he will and is able to maintain the relationship with his first wife. God has entrusted her to her husband’s care and protection and considers the husbands care of his wife as his greatest act of faithfulness.

MOTIVES FOR MARRIAGE
When I was first exposed to the concept of Biblical Polygyny, I followed the normal course of action as most Christians do. I attempted to disprove the idea as cultic or carnal at the least and highly immoral and lustful adultery at the worst. Asking a friend, “why would a Christian man want to marry a second wife?” I received the following, simple reply. “Why would he want a first wife?” Thank you, Don Milton for such a simple, but pointed clarity. I maintain that any man worthy of a good wife, will be motivated by the following reasons, regardless if it is a first marriage or plural.

1. The most important motive is love. He has come to love the lady and desires to be her husband.

2. The second motive is compassion. He sees her need of a husband and desires to husband her and love her. This would include the levirate marriage, the kinsman/redeemer.



Any other motive, in my opinion, is suspect and should be carefully examined for sincerity and genuineness. By God’s design, marriage is a lifetime commitment and should never be entered into lightly.

MARRIAGE PORTRAYS CHRIST AND HIS CHURCH
The husband’s love and care for his wife, whether there are one or three, is the picture that God gave us of the relationship between Christ and His church. We read Ephesians 5, “This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” The context, verses 22-33 give us the most concise description in the Bible of the marriage relationship. Other passages have complimentary information or examples of how it works, but this describes the responsibility of each party in the marriage. The husband’s responsibility (or opportunity) is to play the part of Christ in the marriage. This is an honorable role that not every man is willing to play. Each man is capable, but not qualified to take the responsibility of a family. It is difficult, because to do it right, selflessness must be employed. Genuine love must be the true motive and reward for his part. As Jesus loved the church and gave himself for it, so ought the husband make each wife the object of his affection as well as the recipient of his loyalty and protection. He will demonstrate Christ by:

1. Being a lover, by loving God first, that he may love his family well, as Jesus loved the Father first.

2. Loving unselfishly, giving preference to the wife as the object of his love, not to things; wealth, possessions or experiences, as Jesus loves people above all the rest of His creation.

3. Loving faithfully, all his life, as Jesus said, “I will never leave you or forsake you”. The husband will love interminably as Jesus does eternally. The wife should have no fear of being forsaken by her husband.

4. Loving freely, without limitation as Jesus loves and accepts all that come to Him. The husband will have the potential of loving, without limitation every wife that God brings under his care and affection.


Playing the role of Jesus in the marriage relationship enables the husband to aid the first wife in overcoming the First Wife Syndrome, which burdens her with fear and uncertainty. She will know that she is loved as much or more than ever, is not losing anything, but may be gaining a best friend and a greater security. This knowledge and assurance enables her to have a different mindset, freeing her to trust, honor, respect and support her husband, as the people of God are to respond to Christ. She will understand that, by supporting her husband in his effort to extend the love that God has placed in his heart to other godly ladies, she is expanding her own loving embrace to encompass a sister in Christ. This loving experience enriches the life and love of each lady as they each submit themselves to the loving, faithful leadership of the husband. This completes the casting of characters in the “Marriage Performance” with the wife playing the role of the church in relationship with Christ.

"TO BE OR NOT TO BE, THAT IS THE QUESTION"

Perhaps the most difficult part of dealing with the “FWS” is stepping out into unfamiliar territory to embrace this truth. Accepting the truth of God’s teaching about marriage, acknowledging this newly understood reality is probably the most difficult step a man or woman of God will ever take. This must be a step of faith in God and His Word and a step of submission to His Lordship in our lives.

Much grief may be experienced if both the husband and wife are not onboard with the truth. The husband must be patient and loving. The wife must be gentle, trusting and following her husband’s leadership. Both parties must love God with all their heart, soul, might and mind. If “George” charges forward, seeking, courting and planning for an additional wife, without consideration for “Sadie” and her probable “FWS”, he is not loving her as Christ loves the church. If “Sadie” is unwilling to follow her husbands leadership, seek God in His Word, search the scriptures, seek her husbands understanding or see and honor his loving commitment to her and God and resists revealed truth, she is not responding to God or her husband as the church responds to Christ.

OH, WHAT TO DO?
When “Sadie” is unable or unwilling to deal effectively with the “FWS”, what is “George” to do? His marriage may easily end in disaster if he does not act properly. His first effort should be self-examination, to determine if his own behavior is loving and Christ-like as well as being certain that he is moving in the will of God and not his own excitement. He should then ascertain whether “Sadie” is not clear on the truth or if she is being stubborn and self-willed against God. If he is sure of his motive and faithfulness, he will seek “Sadie’s” prayers and aid in following God’s plan, showing by precept and practice that he is endeavoring to follow Him. When “Sadie” is involved she will love and follow “George”, even to loving and embracing those her husband loves, enabling a larger, loving family.  If “Sadie” is being self-willed and selfish, then “George” must count the cost of following his heart and the Lord. He may well find himself in the same position as Peter and John, appearing before the Sanhedrin. “But Peter and John answered and said unto them, Whether it be right in the sight of God to hearken unto you more than unto God, judge ye. For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard.” Acts 4:19-20. Difficult decisions demand earnest prayer, searching the Word and the soul.

The First Wife Syndrome is real. Any woman struggling with it deserves the love and compassion of her husband. She has position and history that must be considered. On another facet of the issue, a second wife must also recognize the reality of the first wife’s history. There will always be a part of her husbands’ heart that must belong to her alone, for she is the wife of his youth and of his covenant. This need not be a source of contention as long as there is understanding and love for all the family.



“George” and “Sadie” are the names of my maternal great grandparents. Their names were borrowed without their permission for the sake of clarity in the text.

This is posted first on, http://newlookatmarriage.blogspot.com/ and is available for reproduction as long as the authorship is credited and the source is given.





John Whitten December 10, 2009

PATRIARCHAL PATTERN

I believe that we cannot clearly understand God's plan for mankind except in the framework of patriarchy. Everything that we need to know and can understand about our relationship with our Lord is designed to be taught in the patriarchal family. Matriarchy and or patri/matriarchal combos cannot display the relationships in the home that teach God's plan for life, temporal and eternal. Husband/father operates as God in the human family, while the wife functions as christians. My thought is that the children are the mission field, to be won to faith by parental example.

PATRIARCHAL PERMISSION

Here's an observation and I invite responses. Patriarchy cannot flourish without the acceptance of the legitimacy of polygyny. Polygyny need not be practiced for a man to be a patriarch, but the possibility of plural marriage must be allowed for a man to truly be a patriarch. If a man's wife has the authority to forbid him marrying an additional wife, then he is not yet a functioning patriarch. A godly husband will take his wife's advice, desires and feelings into consideration, but he must answer to God's authority only.

Biblical polygyny cannot function correctly without patriarchy. Polygyny, as it is portrayed in the Bible is so much more than physical desire or even love. It may involve both of these but also includes at a higher level of importance, honor, responsibility, compassion and godliness. The character of a man is extremely important in both polygyny and patriarchy. In my opinion, our nations emphasis on birth control is un-Biblical. Large families are in keeping with God's program. Also, I believe, no woman should have to raise children by herself. No man or woman should have to live out their lives alone unless they so choose. Biblical polygyny is the answer to these situations. I am not promoting civil disobedience, but simply telling what the Bible says. Try as I might, I can find no other workable solution to these problems of loss of progeny, single parents and loneliness for Christian people than Biblical polygyny. The only alternative is being unequally yoked together with unbelievers, which is unacceptable to godliness.

HUSBAND MATERIAL

The main concern at hand is what kind of man should a Godly woman seek for a husband. Close on the heels of that issue is where will she find a supply of such men from which to select. I will try to present this from what I perceive to be a woman’s perspective and hope that any ladies reading this will let me know if I’m accurate or even close.

The first issue most women have is the desire to marry a man, not a boy or an adult male that isn’t confident in his own skin. I think this is the reason otherwise sensible women fall for the “bad boys”. God designed women to respond to confidence and authority and even though there is much negative about the “bad boys” their confidence and authority is appealing to many women. For a male to qualify as part of the inventory of husband material he must be or be well on the way to becoming a man in all that is implied in that name. The first requisite is that he is responsible. Irresponsibility is the mark of immaturity, not manhood.

1. Husband material will be a man responsible for his own actions, who owns up to the consequences without blaming others. A Godly woman looking for a husband wants and should be able to find a man she can lean on and trust to take care of and protect her. Since God gave women the responsibility of being helpers, supporters, followers and cheerleaders, it necessarily follows that the man considered as husband material must be capable of that kind of support and loyalty.
2. God established the husband as the spiritual leader and priest of the family; therefore he is responsible to God for his own and his wife’s spiritual instruction and compliance. He has the obligation to act in the place of God in his home and marriage, setting the example and direction of life as God’s man on the scene. He is not to act on his own whims and pleasures but to teach by precept and practice the truth’s of God’s Word, thereby establishing God as the final authority in all things. He will not shirk this responsibility, forcing his wife to make the effort of leadership.
3. Contrary to contemporary teaching a man who will be husband material for a Godly woman will be a man who is not dependant upon his wife for his sense of value and worthiness. He will find his lifeline in his relationship with our Lord, if he looks anywhere else he will be unable to act in the place of God in his family. Sometimes loneliness on the human plane is the price to pay for leadership, but we cannot allow our spouse or children’s attitudes or feelings about us serve as the criteria for our actions or sense of worth. We are God’s men; no one else has that claim upon us, no one. I am aware of the Biblical text that says the two shall be one. The text is dealing with physical union and family relationships, not spiritual oneness. That is a topic we will deal with later.
4. A man who is husband material is a man with a purpose for living; he is serving God in some kind of personal ministry in which he is endeavoring to be faithful. He may, hopefully, have a dream that can be shared by his wife and family.
5. Any man worthy of being husband material must be a man cultivating Godly character, behavior, attitudes and goals. He should reflect God’s nature even though he is a man.

Taking on the responsibility of a wife is no small or insignificant action. It is not easy to be a good husband. Not everyone should marry. If we cannot take the responsibility seriously, it is better to not start on that path.
“Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD”, Proverbs 18:22
“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge”, Hebrews 13:4
Some folks, men and women alike, think that these verses imply that everyone should marry. That is not the case. The same logic applied to another case shows the fallacy of that thought. There is a shortage of jet pilots; since most pilots are men and the need is there then every man should be a pilot. Please leave me off that plane. There is more to being a husband than being a male. We use the term husbandry to describe farming or plant nurturing; animal husbandry is the course description at many agricultural colleges to describe training in animal care, nurturing and raising. To be a husband is to be one who cares for, nurtures his family and provides and protects them. Not easy or simple. Again contrary to our society, being a husband is not a task that should be taken on by young and inexperienced men. Marrying at 18, 19, or 20 is entering into a great responsibility unprepared. Thank God that so many marriages have succeeded thus far. It is far better for a woman to marry a man somewhat older than herself, a man that has established himself in the world, than to marry some one who has not yet honed his leadership skills or found his place in the world. It is better for a man to wait until he has entered into a trade or a profession and has begun to establish his ability to provide for a wife, before he marries.

If a wife is to “submit herself unto her own husband as unto the Lord”, (Ephesians 5) then he should treat her as the Lord treats her. If a wife is to be”help” for her husband (Genesis 2:18), then he must be doing something that he needs help with. If a wife is to call her husband “lord” (I Peter 3:6), then he needs to act with confidence and authority.

I am persuaded that most if not all Godly women want to be a wife to such a man. Women have gotten a bum wrap for wanting to change their husband after they marry, but I believe they wouldn’t if they had good husband material to start with.

Where can such men be found? That is the next topic.

WIFE MATERIAL

A few weeks ago, I was contemplating taking up the career of a matchmaker. No, not Ohio Blue Tips, but the kind that is much more incendiary. Matching up a man and a woman with the hopes of matrimonial bliss. I have several acquaintances that are single guys and I would like to see them happily married to a wonderful woman.

I have abandoned the career of matchmaker because of the lack of sufficient resources. In speaking to several men over the last few weeks, it seems, in the opinion of most of them, I would certainly fail. The consensus of opinion is that all the available women are s---s, b------s and w----s. All the good ones, are taken, too young or too old. Since I am a curious optimist, investigation was inevitable. The first thing I found was bitterness and ignorance abound (on both sides of the sexual divide). There has been way too much pain and misery to allow clear thinking and good judgment. As a 41 year veteran of matrimony myself, I am self-certified to speak on this issue.

GOOD THING

Men and women equally view potential partners through rose-colored glasses and when the glasses are removed the object of interest is drab in comparison to the rosy image that is hoped for. Simply put, no one measures up to our expectations. The institution of marriage is not lacking, God designed it, and so it must be right. All the women of our society cannot really be as identified above (though some may actually). Every man or even most men cannot seriously be beyond hope as good husbands. Where the fault lies, is in the understanding of what we (men and women) are to be and what marriage is really like. God says in Proverbs 18:22, “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.” Being married is a good thing, if done right. If done wrong, it has the potential to be hell on earth. Most marriages fall somewhere in between, OK and “oh hell”, in reality. Few come close to heaven. Don’t forget marriage is a good thing, God should know, He designed it and instituted it. I would like to see how much closer marriages could get to heaven. Here’s the rub, to succeed, we must do it HIS way and most men and women are comfortably ensconced in the myths and fairy tales of romance. This is far removed from God’s Biblical reality. If you are not interested in KNOWING and DOING marriage God’s way, leave now. There is nothing more for you. If you WILL DO HIS WILL, read on.
I agree there aren’t many women available that qualify as good wife material. However, not because of lack in their character, but for most of them it is due to ignorance. They, as have most of our population, been brain washed by our popular culture as to what a wife really is to be. Let’s check with the designer. I know it is against our image to read the instructions, but let’s try it anyway.

LEADERSHIP

Genesis 2:18 “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.”
Genesis 3:16 “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” Before sin became part of human nature, God declared His purpose for creating wives, and nothing has changed that, not even sin. God made the first wife to be a helper to the man, a helper that is compatible with him, but a helper nonetheless. He is the leader; she is the helper, as designed by God. Why do we think we can improve on God’s design? Men are ignorant of leadership and women are ignorant of what it means to be a helper. For this article we will set aside leadership for another time and for greater investigation and focus on helpers. After sin entered, the human relationship is clarified, not changed. As a result of sin she will desire to lead, but leadership remains mans responsibility. It is not about qualification or ability, but design and authority of the designer.

AUTHORITY

Ephesians 5:22-24
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the Saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” Let’s put aside all the romance that has affected us all our lives (can that happen?) and look at what works. God designed much more than marriage and its all been working since the beginning of time. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. Nothing successfully lives with two heads. Everything has a front or back, top or bottom, beginning or end, inside or outside or first and last. Why would we think that marriage wouldn’t have similar parameters? Any marriage must have an authority figure, a head, to function effectively and properly. God gave that responsibility to the husband. Helpers, DO NOT, exercise the authority of the head. Ladies, do not take upon your-self the authority that God gave to men that will be husbands. If you have a husband that is not the leader he should be, DO NOT take the rein of authority, God gave it to him. If you do, you add to the chaos. Lift him up to God in prayer and be what you are to be in Gods design. God will change him, take him off the scene or you leave him till he does change. Please, do not step into his role. He will never change if you do. Ladies, if you are single, do not compromise and “settle” for a man who will expect you to lead, he’s a “Momma’s Boy” and always will be. You desire a man and not a “boy”. You will only be truly happy with and fulfilled by a “man”.

REVERENCE

Ephesians 5:33 “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she REVERENCE her husband.”
Below is the Greek word translated reverence, as you can see, it is not what our popular culture teaches as the right behavior of a wife.
[phobeo (fob-eh'-o); to frighten, i.e. (passively) to be alarmed; by analogy, to be in awe of, i.e. revere]
But this is the intention of the designer, God. Do you want a designer marriage, here’s how. Do you want a designer husband; look for one that you can reverence. If you treat him like a boy, that’s how he will likely respond, same thing if you reverence him as a man. Reverence is the attitude we are to have toward God and husbands. If you want your man to love you like God loves you, try revering him as you do God, you will like the change you see. Do you criticize God? Do you second-guess His plans? Do you belittle Him to others? Do you devalue His work and ministry? Do you put God second to family, friends and whatever happens to be on TV? How do you serve God? Is He satisfied with it? Not likely, then why should a husband be served any less? “My husband isn’t like God”, I’m sorry, talk to the designer, it is His idea. If you want a designer marriage and spouse, you must do it Gods way, no options!

LOVE

Titus 2:4-5 The aged women also …“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”
We have been indoctrinated by our popular culture that marriage is all about love, but it isn’t. Love is not even the best foundation for marriage. Love is an emotion that can ebb and flow like the tide, with the moon or our circumstances. According to Titus 2, young women can be and may be taught to love their husbands. Not “how” to love, but “to” love. This is after the marriage; therefore it is not the foundation. Two issues are more important to a man in marriage than anything else, trust and respect. Trust and respect are more important than love because they are the bedrock characteristics of a husband. A wife may love her husband with all her heart and being, but if she does not shore him up with trust and respect, she emasculates him in the relationship and he cannot and will not be the husband desired. It is impossible for a man to be a leader, if he does not have loyal, faithful, trusting, respectful followers. I know our culture teaches equality of the sexes and equality of the roles in marriage. They are wrong. The designer of marriage, our God and Creator has declared equal value in His sight, but distinctly different roles for men and women. He has repeatedly expressed His displeasure and judgment for those who would alter His Word and purposes. Be a designer wife and have a designer marriage. Become good wife material and God will provide you with a husband you can reverence, trust, respect and love.

WHEN A WIFE BECOMES A MOTHER

When a girl is born, she is the light of her Daddies eye. She can do no wrong that he cannot excuse or make better. She is one of the most important people in the world to him.

When a girl becomes a woman she is the finest of God’s creation. She has matured to become the best example of humanity. No longer Daddy’s little girl, but a complete person, now her Heavenly Father’s little girl with a growing dependant relationship with Him.

When a woman becomes a wife she enters into Gods purpose for her created life. She is entering into the great task for which she is perfectly designed, created and assigned. To be a helper, aide and cheerleader for the man that her Father has brought into her life is the greatest purpose and achievement that may be obtained. To elevate her husband and aide him in his God given ministry and purpose in life, is her calling from above.

When a wife becomes a mother, her husband and head gains a family or loses a wife and finds he’s married to a mother instead of a wife. If she places motherhood above marriage, she has left her first calling and purpose for a secondary purpose, noble and wonderful as it is. There can only be one first place. Mother or wife, which role is God’s calling for life?

Sarah Palin - VP or Possible Prez

Sarah Palin is a fresh breeze blowing over the political meadow. While I admire her many accomplishments and many of her views, I cannot endorse her for office, on the grounds of principle. As one who believes strongly in patriarchy as God's standard for society, I cannot elect a matriarch to what may amount to be the highest office of our country. While she may be an admirable person, she is a matriarch none the less. How can she function as wife and mother and still function as governor or VP or possibly as president? If she isn't then we must investigate the views of her husband, because he would be the power behind the "throne". I am not diminishing Mrs. Palin or her ability. I am however, lamenting that there isn't a patriarch in America that could step up to the plate and do an equal job. This lack of real men is the downfall and destruction of our country.